Skull & Bones: A Pirate’s Life for… Eh, Never Mind
Ahoy! Strap on your tricorn hats, polish your spyglasses, and prepare to set sail – straight into mediocrity! That’s right, we’re diving into the turbulent, barnacle-encrusted waters of Ubisoft’s long-gestating sea beast: Skull and Bones. The latest episode of Honest Game Trailers did the Lord’s (or maybe Davy Jones’s?) work by giving this pirate “epic” the roast it truly deserves.
Let’s be clear from the start: if you thought Skull and Bones was going to be the swashbuckling successor to Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag – you know, the one that actually made piracy feel fun – you’re in for a harsh dose of seawater to the face.
From Treasure to Trash: A Development Journey
Ubisoft’s pirate opus spent more time in development hell than Jack Sparrow spent drunk in Tortuga. After years of delays, studio reshuffles, and the quiet sound of fan expectations sinking to the ocean floor, Skull and Bones finally surfaced… and immediately belly-flopped.
The verdict? More “meh” than “yo ho ho.”
A Pirate’s Life… of Repetitive Errands?
Honest Game Trailers doesn’t pull any punches here. Instead of letting players live out their dreams of plundering enemy ships, finding buried treasure, and yelling “avast ye!” at NPCs, Skull and Bones offers you the thrilling experience of being, well, a seafaring delivery person.
Yes, you too can embrace the buccaneering lifestyle of fetch quests and resource gathering. Think less Pirates of the Caribbean, more Instacart: High Seas Edition. Grab some wood, deliver some iron, and pray to Korean Jesus (yep, he makes a cameo in the trailer) that something exciting happens eventually. Spoiler: it doesn’t.
Combat: All Cannons, No Cutlasses
The heart of any good pirate game? Combat, both on deck and up close. Sword fights, duels, boarding enemy ships with reckless abandon; those are the golden coins in the treasure chest of pirate fantasy. But Skull and Bones throws that chest overboard.
There’s no on-foot combat. None. No boarding action, no swashbuckling. Just cannon-to-cannon naval warfare until your enemy explodes or, more likely, your interest does. It’s like going to a theme park and finding out the rollercoaster is just a guy reading safety instructions for 45 minutes.
Multiplayer Mutiny
Let’s talk multiplayer. In theory, Skull and Bones is a live service game, complete with PvP opportunities and high-seas teamwork. In reality? It’s about as lively as a skeleton crew.
Honest Game Trailers pokes fun at the irony of Ubisoft trying to create a cooperative, persistent pirate world when pirates, by definition, are untrustworthy and prone to stabbing each other in the back. Which is basically what most players did, before quitting the game entirely.
Pirates of the Meh-ribbean
Throughout the video, Skull and Bones is compared unfavorably to basically every other pirate game in existence. Sea of Thieves? Goofy, yes, but at least it’s got charm. Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag? An older title, yet somehow still the gold standard. Even the Disneyland ride gets a nod as being more interactive and exciting. Ouch.
Then there are the avatars – generic to the point of comedy.
Conclusion: Walk the Plank
Ubisoft’s Skull and Bones had the potential to be the Elden Ring of the ocean, the Red Dead Redemption of the Caribbean. Instead, it’s the No Man’s Sea. A bland, repetitive slog dressed in pirate cosplay. The game is technically competent, sure—but so is oatmeal.
Honest Game Trailers closes with a perfectly timed “just play Sea of Thieves instead,” and honestly? They’re right. If you want whimsy, chaos, and actual fun, Rare’s watery playground is still the better port of call.
So weigh anchor, ye scallywags, and steer clear of Skull and Bones. Unless your idea of adventure is watching paint dry on a hull plank while listening to someone read maritime regulations aloud. In that case, bon voyage!